I don’t want anyone to think that I am someone other than who I really am. I’ve hidden behind a mask for too long.
Prominent among many things,
I am prideful and self-centered: I care more about my appearance and my desires than the appearance and desires of my Father in heaven. I will often trample other people with my words or actions, or disregard the known will of God in pursuit of my own way of life.
I am negative: I speak poorly of and to my own family. I snap and yell when they innocently cross my path on a bad day.
I am distrustful: I would far quicker rely on my limited foresight and my own ability to reason than trust the omnipotent love and grace of God to lead me at His pace.
I am selfish: As Paul would say it: my god is my appetite. Many of my actions in life revolve around what will benefit me most. Decisions made purely for someone else’s benefit are made, but are few and far between.
I am complacent: I find passion to escape a rut, and then coast on the leftovers of a spiritual high until they run dry and the cycle repeats. This cycle must end which is why I’m up here now, doing what I fear the most.
I have little value for what God has done in my life: Despite the total illogic of it, I find myself unwilling to forgive myself the sins of my past, even when I know they have been forgiven by a holy God. I often despise my own existence, regardless of how far I know God has brought me. I praise God for saving me and yet curse myself for needing to be saved so radically in the first place.
I am in desperate need of divine grace.